This post may make a rod for my own back. After all, I use many if not all of the phrases I mention in it in my everyday correspondence. Now people will know my secrets!
Nonetheless, I’ve always believed that the British are usually pretty good at this type of thing. In this post, therefore, I list twenty commonly used phrases. I’ve added a helpful English to English translation to help you to deploy them properly.
1. You may wish to consider doing …
Do it. Or there’ll be trouble.
2. We’re sorry that/regret that/ apologise for …
Convention requires us to make this perfunctory expression of contrition, but we actually make Edith Piaf look like a beacon of unrestrained self-recrimination.
3. Please do not hesitate to contact me
Please hesitate. As long as you like. Forever, preferably.
4. Thank you for bringing this to my attention
Oh dear. I thought no one else knew about this. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids!
5. We appreciate the urgency and are working on the document now. We’ll send it just as soon as we can
You’ll get it WHEN IT’S READY!
6. I hope this is helpful
We both know that it’s as useful as a one-legged man in a posterior-kicking competition.
7. I don’t mean to be rude, but …
Brace yourself: I’m about to wreak havoc on your self-esteem like a fox in a chicken coop.
8. I would welcome your views
Depending on the context: EITHER I couldn’t care less about them but out of deference must make some hapless pretence that I do – please don’t take me at my word; OR I have no idea how to approach my current task so hope you’ll save my hide (of course, I’ll pass off any decent suggestions as my own, but I’ll make sure everyone knows you’re to blame if anything goes wrong).
9. I’m not sure I follow your point
I follow. I just can’t believe how stupid it sounded. If I get you to explain it, there’s a chance I may be able to find some tiny way in which it isn’t the most idiotic thing that anyone has said since that guy at Decca Records turned The Beatles down because “guitar groups are on the way out”.
10. With respect
If we really wanted to relate to you respectfully, you’d know it: we certainly wouldn’t feel the need to stress the fact by saying so like this.
11. We would welcome your comments
If you have something nice to say, we’re all ears. Otherwise, keep it to yourself.
12. Please feel free to ...
If I need to tell you to feel free to do so, it suggests you may not already feel free. Your first instinct was right: I’m just being nice, albeit totally insincere.
13. I was interested to read [in your letter/article/memo etc.]
Do you really think I was? REALLY?
14. Thank you for your kind words
Congratulations on noticing how brilliant I am.
15. I was unconvinced by your argument
It was lame enough for me to email it round my colleagues so that they could all laugh at it too.
16. We will consider your proposal carefully and then get back to you
You’ve no chance, but we need to give the appearance of having thought about it a bit before we reply telling you, in a polite but firm manner, to go away.
17. Your way is one way of doing it. Another would be to …
Don’t do it your way. Not in this lifetime. Not in the next. Not even in the one after that.
18. It isn’t for me to say
We both know exactly what I think. If you disagree I can provide you with the contact details of an excellent mental health professional.
19. I may not have made myself entirely clear
You seem to have misunderstood me.
20. You seem to have misunderstood me
There’s no ‘seem’ about it, even though I put it in terms a 5-year-old could have grasped, you irksome simpleton.
